Light and Darkness

Five hundred ten words

Today, I have an interview for a part-time job at a bookstore. I'm excited. Silly, but it's on my bucket list to work in one. I worry that my tattoo on my wrist may be a hindrance. Debating whether or not I cover it up with bangles and a watch. Probably will until I know differently.

I had planned on going to the beach. Will have to save that until tomorrow now. Between weather and an unwilling daughter, I've put off going for a couple weeks now. I don't feel like going alone but may have to do so if Pie doesn't agree on going this week. If the weather holds, tomorrow.

Speaking of my child, she turns seventeen on the seventh. She has no direction for her future life. The control freak part of me is freaking out. I had more direction with what I wanted to do with my life at seventeen than I do now, but I know more than not that kids her age shouldn't have clear directions. She hasn't developed completely to understand what she wants. Doesn't keep me from worrying though. I just don't want her to be anything like me. I want her to be so much better. She'll be ok, right? Please, someone, tell me she'll figure it out and be ok.

Dreams are constantly of the men of my life...Angus was last week. This weeks seems to be the sexy musician again. The thing about the SM is that I have these dreams that are about him but he's almost never in them.  I'm usually partying or hanging out with people who are somehow connected to him. I don't know who these people are in my dreams. Composites of real and imaginary people, I assume. But he's always just around the corner, in a way. It's like I'm always waiting for him to return home. Don't need a dream dictionary or Freud or a soothsayer to explain it. I know what it's all about. In last night's doozie, I was partying at his house. Lots of people there as usual. Members of what would be his band. But he's not present. There's a guy that is paying me lots of attention and I like it. Band mate and close friend. And suddenly I'm in this relationship with him, still waiting for SM. BUT this other guy is also partly the SM. Dreams, eh. Like some say....just dumping ground from bits and pieces of the day. We'll pretend this one was that....not some unconscious lusting for a man no longer present in my life.

Did have an influential dream a few nights ago about a story. Told Pie about it. She asked me if I would actually write this one out in a novel. Telling question, yea?! I've been thinking about it because the damn plot is great and getting there is involving. I write some of it up and see what happens.

Between this shite post and traipsing around the internet....well, I've dicked around enough. I need to ready myself. Good day to all.

Angus

Two days of dreaming of the man. Two days of waking myself up with mournful cries. Two days of melacholy.

I miss him.

And silly, girl-like me sent an email to him pleading for our friendship back.

. . .

What?! Don't look at me that way.

Whatever!

Stupid, stupid dreams.

Dreams of the Dead

My pop and Rosemary have been keeping my mind busy during sleep. I swear the two of them sit around roshamboing for my dreams. And to change it up a bit, dreams of my daughter being lost or kidnapped as a three year old happen.

Eh! I want a happy dream!

Head Movies

Since moving back to Pcola, I've had nightmares every time I close my eyes to sleep. Doesn't matter if I'm sleeping for a full eight or a quick nap. The dreams are dark.

They're ridiculous too. One would think that nightmares would consist of scary things that go bump in the night. Those dreams would be a welcomed change next to the strange things that maneuver in my brain. Everything from my dog being kidnapped by an elderly couple that is into whips to superheroes chasing me.

It amuses me that my unconscious self thinks nightmares about dialing the wrong number for the police (611 instead of 911) is spine-tingling terrifying in comparison to demons disemboweling me. My mind is a goofy one.

Out of the Blue

Dreams were random.

I was tobogganning and skating and my pop showed up in the dream. Suddenly, I was a kid tobogganning in Sheboygan.

I don't recall everything but I dreamt of my mother and the fear of her controlling me.

And then the rest of the dreams were about the sexy musician again. Damn. I think I may never get him out of my mind.

Melancholic Dreams

I had a dream of Rosemary. She had returned from the missing and was hiding out at my mother's house. I had to convince her that it was a good idea to call her parents that she was alive. When I did, Gerry informed me that they had already known and that she had moved out of her home.

The emotion of the dream was resigned sadness.

Not the kind of hope that I was expecting about a dream where my sister returns.

Lucid Erotica

I had fitful dreams about The Sexy Musician last night. Actually, many nights of him lately.

Sexy Musician, if you're reading, email or call me. I'm at wits end, dear. I'm frustrated as fuck without you.

What the hell?!

Day two waking with a less than pleasant mood. Dreams all night long about this sexy musician I was involved with recently.

Fucking cunt! I simply can't stop caring about you suddenly.

Dreams all night long. I'd wake and return to them almost immediately. Not bad dreams. Just hard to deal with them the next day when I know I won't hear from him.

OK! Time to take frustration and longing out on cleaning.

GOD DAMN, I miss him!

12:06 pm Brain Nuggets

My daughter received her PSAT scores. She did a great job for her little sophomore self (64 critical reading, 53 math, 63 writing skills).  She has some preparation to do before next year's test and eligibility for Merit Scholarships.

She's a smart kid. I have no doubt in her intelligence. I worry about her motivation and interest in school. I need to change my parenting to help her. No hesitancy in admitting I'm the cause her apathy.

And the strangest, disturbing dream I had about her this morning. Tornadic weather was howling outside the house we were living. I went inside and started eating this stew that Emma had made. I remember she had this cold stern look on her face. The stew was delicious. Thick and full of meat. I noticed there was a gratitous amount in the large glass I was eating from. Still eating, I ask Em what kind of meat did she use. I was thinking buffalo until I noticed a gold covered tooth. And with the realization of what the meat was, she tells me that it was the candyman who delivered candy in the neighborhood like an icecream man would. I wanted to finish eating the stew but felt obligated to stop. Felt like I would be condoning my daughter's murderous act if I ate more so I started feeding our dogs....a few more details about the dogs and then I woke.

Emmaline's response and look in my dream would unnerve the socios.

egh

The Hims of My Past

The past loves of my life keeping popping up in dreams lately. The frustration of those losses are nagging the fuck out of me.

Active Sleep

I had dreams all night long about this red-headed man I know. Without going into much detail, they were not good dreams. I felt like a monster chasing him. Despite waking several times to shake the image of him from my mind so I can dream of other things, I'd returned to sleep only to have them filled with him. Same chasing feeling, different scenarios.

I feel awful. Apologetic. But mostly, that I should avoid him like I'm the Plague.

Untitled Moment

Friday afternoon. Sitting in the commercial drive-thru at the bank for work. Work. How I'd rather be floating in some Mediterranean sea surrounded by beautiful cliffs covered in trees and fields.

I daydreamed of a man with shaggy sexy brown hair standing in a line behind me. I hear this stranger say aloud, "you're beautiful." Of course he's talking to the woman ahead of me. She is what all men think are beautiful so I try to ignore what will now happen...a conversation that leads to months of dating bliss between these two gorgeous gods. "Thank you," she says; and so it begins. I feel intrusive and awkward standing between the two and make an effort to shrink out of sight.

"No. I'm sorry. I'm not talking to you." With a surprising touch of my arm, he repeats his declaration. "YOU are beautiful."

I wanted to dream on but the tears of my reality stung my eyes.

Never.

never

Start of a New Day

Without my permission, the sun has decided to begin its diurnal ascent. I am awake, sleepily awake, but still awake. Quirky dreams with people my brain created from literary and cinema characters. But I was distinctly there with a lover, sweetly kissing my throat and pursed lips. Then the alarms rudely shake me awake warning me of the impending day.

Damn you, you solstice pussy-blocker.

Eh, even asleep, I'm not getting any.

Wonder Twin Powers Activate!

I've been having dreams and thoughts of twin sons lately. Last night I had a strange dream about my pregnancy with them. As usual I don't recall all the details, but their father had to make a tough decision about sacrifice in order to save our lives. He altruisically agreed to give his life so that we could live. He had waited his whole life to be a dad but he loved us so much that the sacrifice wasn't a second thought. And answering this devil, alien, reaper, whatever it was, spared all of us including the guy.

I did dream about the conception of the boys and the big reveal of my pregnancy....and strangely, the ultrasound telling us we were having twins. This was an epic dream.

UGH! These dreams and thoughts have been occurring for months now. I see these boys in my mind's eye and it's killing me! Stupid dreams and their stupid way of making me want. It doesn't help that every woman in this state is pregnant! The state's adopted pastime must be conceiving.

Yes. I am sad that I am getting older and the probability of no more children makes me sad. I'm not talking about this anymore.

Blue Monday

I am depressed. I have a good feeling it's associated with the hurtful interaction Emmaline and I had yesterday. Good god, I hate those. Probably the only thing worse than the painful exchanges between parent and child would be the absence of one from the other's life. Small blessings for the rows between us, right.

I take them hard. Sometimes...I lie....all the times, I have horrible flashbacks to the relationship between myself and my parents. Thus, a day or so to recover. I feel like I'm covered in bad parent viscous after. eh. eh. eh.

I had a nightmare last night surrounding a male figure. Something to do with dead and evil and loss and all that rot. Could be the influence of the movie we watched yesterday, Quarantine upon my dreams but movies rarely do that to me.

I am glad my child is growing up but I do miss the days when she was so glad to throw her arms around me and hug me like I was the most precious thing in the world. Now? I feel like I'm a porcupine and she's a cactus, and we're walking barefooted on hot broken glass in a three by five room with no air conditioner, window, or door.

I feel blue.