Light and Darkness

Today was inevitable but I still don't have to like it.

I had my last appointment with Z today. My heart hurts because I had to say good-bye to him. Staring at him, I wanted to say so many things but didn't allow myself. I know I'll regret not telling him:

How he's helped save me so many times over the last two years.

How I feel both uncomfortable and comfortable sitting in silence with him and 'thank you' for allowing me to do that so many times.

I need to call him still when I'm stuck in Pensacola and there will be times when his voice will calm me. Can I please have that weekly?

How I wish I had knew him as a friend because he rocks.

I will give up my place in heaven for you, Z. Selfishly, I wish....well, thank you. I will miss you so very much.

I wish I had hugged him.

Who do I talk to about this?

I'm having some transference issues.

appealing to happy people

A friend told me yesterday that writing was my thing but I needed to write for the happy people out there, which is why I write almost nothing now. I don't open my hard journal to write within. I'm no happy. 

I want to drug myself. Not with the good kind either. Not in the responsible way. I want to down the vicodin and just go to sleep. Turn my face to the back of the couch and close my eyes. 

I'm angry at Z because he can't save me. He won't. Despite understanding that no one can nor will, I still want it. I CAN NOT SAVE MYSELF! I don't know how.

I want to go to the hospital or to kill myself. I can't do either. What happens to Em? There's no one to help her. My family is too busy to come here and take care of her. If I send her, what happens to my home? The animals? My job. 

All I want to do is one of those things.

No one has time for crazy.

I'm in a dangerous place.

And all I can do is go to sleep. Wake up tomorrow and act like nothing is wrong.

Some one please help me. 

Damn you, Z!

My appointment with Z involved conversation about my newest tattoo, which will be inked in skin on Friday, and sex. I discussed my sexual boiling over and my wanting to venture into a sexual relationship with a guy I've been chatting with for a little while.

Z raised points already weighing heavy on my soul. At the end of the session, after I had paid my bill and set up another appointment with him, he said to me "I hope you think about this." With a pause in it that sighed heavy with worry.

I was pissed all the way home. Still am. But I sent an email to the guy and told him that it's best that we don't do anything. Call me a cock sucker and think horribly of me but I can't do it.

Very quietly, Z had basically asked me not to do it.

Ok, Z. I won't.

Cause and Effect

I pull away because it's easier than picking up pieces after being destroyed.

I think I can safely say the truth here without anyone calling the police on me because I'm just some unknown here in the internet. Today is a suicide day.

It's been heading this dark again for a little bit now especially after last week's appointment with Z.

I sit here in my car. Horrible day at work. Horrible things in life that I sweep under the rug and ignore. I have the razor blades out of the packaging. I think about calling my boss and quitting right now. Calling my mom and expecting Em. And then.....that's it.

Why the fuck do I keep going? Everyone gives up on me. I'm too overwhelming and needy. People are too exhausted with trying to help. I blame none for quietly vacating their relationships with me.

"Stop your bitching," some of you say. You're absolutely right. You apparently know me so well. And admittedly, I'm incompetent at moving forward.

SO, why can't I just do it already?!

Cock Blocker

There is literally no other way to describe what I continue to do with my life. I stream along on a path that appears to be going in a good direction. I'm excited. I'm hopeful. I want to have that soul-blowing orgasm that comes after momentous, mounting, sensory confusing coitus.

But in one destructive second.....

WHAM!

COCK BLOCK

"And then, Officer, she just ate his brains!"

I am in a horrible mood. I sat at the medical center in my car until eight o'clock. I could only think about rushing home to cut myself, so I sat. Wanted to call Z. Of course, I didn't. Irritated until I went to bed. Woke late this morning. Extremely pissed with Z. Want to call him and start a fight.

I was in a decently good mood yesterday until my appointment. Now a day of recovering from it. Sometimes, I hate therapy.

Unclear

I sit here, unable to move and quite sure I'm alone. I just want to hear from someone that will make me feel better.

I need to go home. There's nobody.

What was is now gone.

I was in a decent mood and now I feel like cutting myself. Raw fucking emotions that I'm left to deal with alone after a session with Z. Seriously need to re-examine whether or not I should see him anymore if I feel unreal and shitty afterwards.

Fuck my life and the stupid reality of my crappy existence.

I hate.

Inside

I wish you could look inside me, see the thing that's poisoning me, reach in and pull it out.

Cabin Fever

You know that cooped up, angry feeling you experience when you're going through it? Yeah.....that's how I feel being fucking trapped inside myself.

Gratitude

The littlest thing you did for me yesterday made me feel important. Thank you.

Today's Secret Word

Looney as in "My, Naomi.....you're a bit looney, aren't you?"

Seeking a Circle

Session with Z today. I hate walking out of the room and waiting for the next visit.

Prozac dosage has been increased. Still waiting for a noticeable change. Z said I wouldn't have noticed one on the preliminary dose. Need that change soon since the mood is bothering me. Hate meds so the willingness of taking one speaks volumes of what I'm trying to address.

Also looking for support groups. As much as I despise meds, I hate group therapy/support groups even more. Passionate dissent. But I need the help. I can't seem to find a friend among my friends to provide me with what I need. I can't be mad. I think I just need to be among the other crazies at the moment. Don't know the exact reason but it just feels right.

Signed onto some forums. Already dissatisfied. Looking at local community support groups. Unsuccessful at the moment.

I'm building up to a major manic episode. Not a good thing.

Help.

Really.....help.

This mental illness thing? Yeah, sucks.

The last couple hours have been pleasant. At this moment, the Universe better be ready for a fucking swirly. I feel like eating a barracuda raw right now. I think I need a visit to Z's couch at this moment, but I fear I may eat him too....and I kinda need him.